Hmmmm

Well I am still alive. Somehow.

A Knife Called Lust

I have a knife
She has the gun
Our eyes are shimmering mirrors of ourselves
There's already puddles straying across the floor
And we're shaking
Yet gripping our pain
Tighter than the crashing drunk at the wheel.

Just fucking push it in
Just help yourself heal
Just wait for the flesh to tear
And see those little red rubies
And you smile that of an inmate
And maybe cry
Because you're finally relieved
You finally got what you deserved
Physical pain
But it should be drawn out more
So you keep dropping rubies

How did you end up with a cathatar in you?
Why do you shake when you see your brothers face?
Why can't we help you?
Why can't I help you?


Things have been broken in this shell for so long
It's hard to remember a time before I was messed.
Left for dead in a broken shell no one there knew how to care
They knew how to care
I didn't know how to allow myself to be cared for
I never deserved love nor care
I wanted the worst for myself
Save the disgusting bile for me
At the end of the day I wanted it all
To just burn away


Sleep is wasteful
What's happening on the other side of the globe
As your lids flutter and you feel the oddities of dreamland coming upon you?
Wakened by something frightening that you'll never remember, or remember to late.
My eyes will gently drift to my arms and legs
And I trace with my fingertips
The maps of my life, of all I've experienced or known
I know each tale and I know each ending.
I know where it begins though I wonder where it will end.
There are still so many scars no one can see
We'll see where this takes me

Imp C

Another Day to Die

I am such a mess.

Life is fucked in the end. :)

Anywho...gonna go outside and smoke this joint

This love, this hate

A Knife Called Lust by Hollywood Undead

Love this song.

Haven't written anything in quite a while.

Feels strange, keys anew under my fingertips as I ache painfully for nicotine.

It's pushed through my veins.

It's hard to face the world on this day.

I need to float freely in the ocean. I need the ocean again. Need it.

Imp C

Excitation

So I have met a boy. >=)

And I have been using magical thinking.

These combined.

With all that I desire, work, education, living life.

I shall let myself receive them.

Machine Gun Fellatio
Voices in my Head

Love you all,
Impy C.

Frustration Celebration

Over here watching out for my girl and she goes and fucks with my messenger, talkin' shit. What the fuck?!

Anyway....

Listening to Department of Corruptionz by Sloe, my bro, RIP love :) LYLAB!

Ugh, this fuckin dog jus took a shit or farted or something, eeeegh!!!

Hes harmless
as he drags her remains through the halls
hes completely sane
as he removes the human suit and makes her what she was meant to be
hes so religious
as he douses her in fuel and makes the prayers right
And when he goes trolling
hes harmless as he picks out the one with least morale
Hes touching
as he slides the needle into the main vein
Its almost intimate
as he slides her into the back of his van.
And its a lovely site
When she watches her intestines slowly being removed.

Love ya homes =)

Imp C

Jogging

Contemplating jogging right now. At three o'clock in the morning.

Listening to Deftones. If I go I'll take Shawna's IPod and just go. I need to work off this fat. I also need to do some reps with the ten lb weights.

Going to call PetCo today and tell them I am more than willing to be trained for any open position. Or to just think of me when they are hiring.

Got a date for the test. July 10th is the Orientation, and when I pay. Then I test on either the 14th or 15 or July, from 7:30AM - 4:00PM. They better let me have a fuckin' book or I am going to go insane sitting there.

I really hope I get lucky and pass the first time.

Got yelled at earlier for having Smirnoff around Shawna and Modelo. Bfd. What the fuck ever.

Better here with me, than somewhere else with others.

I want my man.

I miss sex :(

Fuckin' Hell am I a mess...

Imp C

Sloe and Ro Ro

Listening to music by Sloe(Griff R.I.P bro). Such sweet boys. :( Miss ya Ro, miss ya Griff....

Uncle Ro Ro is still alive and well. Griffin is his half brother. Griffin passed away last December. He is my nieces father, he was like my brother. Miss that motherfucker :)

Anyway, the music is so good. Ro Ro has some real talent here. It's amazing.

I'm thinking of all the things I want, what I want to do, become. It seems overwhelming, but the good thing is I know it's all possible. Within my grasp.

I feel like exerting energy. Once this high wears off I'll go jogging. I shall take Crystal's IPod.

Lacey found half of another pack of Turkish Silvers :). Yay for cancer in a box!

Now Sloe is playin'. Love this motherfucker! I so miss ya dude!

He sounds almost like Eminem, but good....in a sense. And crazy beats, that I do believe he made himself. :)

Miss my bros. Ro Ro's in CA I believe, or OR. Gotta see that fucker again soon. We had fun. We certainly put the fun in funeral. :|

I shall include a pic of Ro Ro and Griff!

Loves
Imp C

Missing Lost Ones

Here are two things written by Griffin Geisler, the only two things he wrote on his myspace blog. Love ya soo much Griff, miss ya dude :(

all accused are assured an arrainment,all addicted addicts arnt anything but an aquanttence,all affected adolecsence are anxious,awaiting an arrangement,build big basements,before bushes bombs blow,before bloody breathless bodys become burried below,bassicaly behold between battling balence, cats chill casually certainly creating challenge,definatly dark demons demonstrate demise,days demand dollars demented documents descibed,embrace extermination everyones evaperating,emancipating existence everyones evacuating.............fuck i cant spell

It is not the critic who counts,not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena;whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;who strives valiantly;who errs and comes up short again and again;who knows the great enthusiasms,the great devotions,and spends himself in a worthy cause;who knows in the end the triumph of high achievements;and who at the worst,if he fails,at least fails while daring greatly;so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who no neither defeat or victory..............peace

Griffin was basically my bro. When he came and visited Kaylie and Lacey, me and him smoked some California Love. Good shit. He'd always been a good guy, even when he was at his worst. And he got pretty bad. Life was tough on him. Yet he fuckin resisted and went his own way, making family along the way. Everyone loved him, there was no way you couldn't. Right now I miss that motherfucker. Hope I can somehow manage to visit him. That's all I can manage.

Love
Imp C
RIP
Brother of mine.

At Ms Heathcocks

^not friend im with, good friend from the UK variety^
Chillin me best friend.

Tired but want to speak someone before sleep takes me. Where is he?

Taken some somas, smoked 8 cigarettes tonight. Not getting any better.

Going to call PetCo tomorrrow.

Ms. H and I have agreed to go to the U.K and Australia in a couple years. We'll open a savings account where we will both put in money. Cannot wait.

I will also start saving for other things of course. Though first I will have to take care of some immediate things.

Anyway, hope this fucker signs on soon.

I still have this old flame going in my heart. Sucks....feel so strongly and wanting so badly. It can be painful.

I cut myself some more today. Which means if I do go into an interview I need a long sleeved jacket. I have one I think would work.

I have good feelings about this PetCo business. I think it will come full circle.

Also think Imma come back over here tomorrow after going by and getting litter and changing cats. Prolly bring webcam over as well. Fuck it.

I want to talk to Sonic ;(

Why is it so hard to get over obsessions?

Feel dizzy. Soma will do that to you. Cannot believe that shit is legal. Where is my buddy? :(

Hes super cuuuuute. In my humble opinion.

newho, guess ill ramble elsewhere
love you all, my love my love
Imp C

All my Hate Cannot be Found

SO....IF I go to AUS later this year, I will be seeing two people. One whom I've know since I was 12 or 13, first internet BUDDY. The other is someone I've known for a little over a year, I believe. Good friend, lots in common, etc., etc.,

I am gonna try to save up a bit by then. The plan seems to be to stay with said latter friend(we will call him friend B) for about two weeks. Then I would find a place to stay near other friend hopefully for a week or so, whatever I can manage at the time.

The good thing about this is it is something I actually care about so I will actually put away money. I have 8 people who I shan't deny souvenirs. I am such an obsessive bastard.

If this plan doesn't flourish, won't I be red? =O. All the money would simply go into my savings and I'd continue until I could afford my own shite. We will see hows it goes.

Well, since I cannot study til elder brother gets home, I will smoke now so I wont be fidgety later. I play Chrono Cross til he get hooome.

Love yas!
imp C

Relapse?

Listening to Insane by Eminem, lovely album....lost it this morning, forgot I'd put it in my computer....oi bay.

Great album, very awesome. Listening to Tonya skit and then Same ol Song and Dance, great fuckin' c.d.

"You're a rockstar, everybody wants you, who could really blame you? We're the ones who made you!" Lovely little diddy.


I have not had enough coffee yet....We are running quite low :(.

Mum got back from the diet Dr. I am listening to her Eminem c.d, and she shrieks at me six times(I did not hear her due to the loudness of my music) to ask if I liked the c.d. -_- Well no, Mum, I hate it, I blare it like this so I can become immune to shitty music. Oi.....

Me and my sis Lacey are hanging out a bit more, I am glad she's no longer with her bf, he was quite a douche.

Okay, right quick, my light keeps coming on and off....ghosts? O.O

Anyway, we went "power walking"(?) yesterday. Hate walking around my neighborhood but imma keep doing it because I've gained about (GASP) twenty fucking pounds I want rid of! I am aboot 5'4 or 5'5, I don't mind weighing 135-140, but right now I am at motherfuckin 154 lbs ><

I have already stopped eating so much, I limit to a few items a day and subsist on coffee, cigarettes, and the occasional snack a doodle.

Anyway, Gotta keep running, and before I take a shower I'll do some 10 lb reps. I always do those like crazy. I refuse to be a flabby armed bastard :)

So anyway....I need to go over Adventure 1(I have not thought of a proper name :) ) And rewrite anything that could be better. I enjoy doing this, I always have something to add in.

So where I left off I was describing the meeting of the main female character and a male character named Brahmer. Bound to be fun. I am gonna go and work on it now, then study a bit. Afterwards I'll post and see what I can show ya.

Love love love
Imp C

Emotions are for pussies :)

I really miss how things once were. I wish I could stop thoughts from forming and freaking. I regret things I've done, some almost recent. Destroyed a lot of things in my life, something I've cherished most. I seem to be a bit of a mess.


me

A Sudden Decision

It really isn't all that sudden. I am trying to stop my obsession over one by transferring it to another. This is sick. Cut off any sick ties, such as these. Grow the fuck up.

I want to work on myself and not be dependent on others and me needing them so I can be happy. Work on myself, earn money, become something of some sort. Stop rotting away.

I want to go home tomorrow. I want to clean. I want to study my ass off. I want to write my Adventure story.

There are few people I know whom I truly, truly treasure. And there are pains that go with these feelings. So many I won't go into details. I shan't re account the obsessions.

I am enjoying this story I'm writing. I take it slow and constantly revise and, I hope, slowly make it better.

I miss how things used to be. Before certain things took place. I could talk easier to certain people. Now there is never anything of worthy to discuss. I am constantly naive to abusers, it's ridiculous.

I feel a bit lost.

Boohoo pity the dumb white whore

imp c

ANGST

Whatever that means, right? :)

Went to the art museum. So many cool paintings. I'll list my faves, I wish I could have gotten post cards of the ones I actually WANTED :/

I am getting blinder every day :/

Listening to Heels over Head by Puddle of Mud.

The text is from Beauty and the Beast by Marie Leprince De Beaumont. The book is wonderfully illustrated, and I will post some of those as well. Arts name is Hilary Knight.

Listening to new Marilyn Manson, cannot believe motherfucking Twiggy Ramirez is back. Marilyn Manson almost doesn't suck :).

Linda Ridgway ~ The Dance
Dan Havel and Dean Ruck - Give and Take
Torstun Slama
Damien Hurst - End Game
Alejandro Quintanilla - Objecion observacion
Chiho Aoshima - City Glow
Salvator Rosa - Witche's Sabbath
Jaques-Raymond Brascassat - A Bull Fight
Mary Cassat - Susan Comforting the Baby
Paul Signac - The Bonaventure Pine
Albert Andre - Interior
Frantisek Kupka - The Yellow Scale
Mary Chagall - The Woman and the roses
*Claudio Coello - Saint Michael the Archangel
Henry Ruseli - The Dismission of Adam and Eve from Paradise
Anton Raphael Mengs - Saint John the Baptist Preaching in the wilderness
Thomas Lawrence - Portrait of John Joseph Henry
Joshua Reynolds - Portrait of Mrs. Jelf Powis and her daughter
*Adolph Alexander Weinman - Descending Night, Rising Day

Love
annoying ass

It's Right Beneath Your Skin

Listening to Linkin Park :)

Anywho, workin' on me maff here.

Found out I'm losing my health insurance when I turn 19 :(. I am gonna use the shit outta my insurance before then. At least it's in August and I should definitely have a job by then.

Downloading some Guns N Roses, God Smack, Puddle of Mud, and such. Also Dane Cook stuff, dude is ridiculously funny.

I got a new prescription for something called Klonopaun(Spl?). Like my Xanax but lasts longer and such. So YAY

I will be getting that tomorrow.

Now listening to Carpe Diem Baby by Metallica.

Anyways, Imma go back to studying and attempt to learn something new ^____^

Love love love
Imp C

A New Story

Listening to Runaway ~ Linkin Park

I have been inspired via webcam to clean my room major like today. It would be so much easier if I had painkillers to help the process :)

Anywho, I am going to Dr McM tomorrow to get see if I can get on Ativan(AGAIN) and get back on the pill, and if I can get an STD test, I am positive I do not have anything, have not slept with anyone new in six years lol, had been Rick all that time....

ANYWAY! A flight from Texas to Australia is about 20 hours. Good God, great balls of fire!

I have to apply at PetCo, Gamestop, EB Games, and probably HEB or something along those lines. If all else fails I'll "join Mum" and work at motherfucking Cinnabon, though I would despise that so. But of course we work for money and not for fun ^_^

I'm getting some Dro in a few days :D Yay yeah, which means I need to do all the applying before I get it, otherwise it'll be even longer till I get a fuckin job.

I am positive I am going to continue studying for my GED and once I get that become a certified nursing assistant, which means I can get $10-$14 an hour for bathing an old person =O. Whatever gets you paid, as I said....

I am waiting to finish my second cup of coffee and chicken noodle soup before I go and start cleaning. I have three huge trash bags that are soo heavy I am not sure how my weak ass can lift them. I AM THE PALE NIGHT!

I got my Batman animated series D.V.D's back :D Gotta love Mark Hamil as the Joker :)

Oh to Ye God Fearing Men!

There is going to be a live action version of Cowboy Bebop, and by God, Keanu Reeves is going to play Spike Spiegle. This gives me mixed feelings of that of an unsure homosexual.

I love CB with all my black little heart, but KEANU? THOUGH....THOUGH! Spike hardly does anything but slightly smile...maybe it'll work, but I swear to Bobbers if they get some whore like Megan Fox to play Faye Valentine I shall be pissed. I wonder who will play Ed though, too....

Now that I've thought about it I am gonna watch my CB series today while cleaning, that and The Prestige. My goodness how I love Christian Bale :)

Anyway, listening to 30 Seconds to Mars, gonna get on MSN and AIM and chat up before I clean.

Love Love Love
Always E.