Blue Valentines

It takes a whole of whiskey to make these nightmares go away, and I cut my bleeding heart out every night....and I'm gonna die jus' a little more each Saint Valetine's Day, don't you remember I promised I would write you....these blue valentines....blue valentines.....blue vaaaalentiiiines.....~Uncle Tom Waits~


Not sure what to even write about. Brother is depressed, mine and my mothers fault.

Have to stop asking him for help.

Got to get this shit together.

love
val

ps
wish me luck

The Help...

A cool screen shot from Interview with the Vampire, me and my niece Kaylie Bear. I love that girl :)

So I am currently listening to Lil by Usher feat. Nicki Minaj, read The Help by Kathryn Stockett. I like that way of spelling Kathryn, pretty...anyway....

It's a book from multiple characters P.O.V(Point of View). It's 1960 and there are still black maids, rearing white womens children and having to go outside to use a different restroom for absurd reasons. It's a seemingly realistic book, touching, and made me tense in anticipation of what happens next. An instant page turner, though I didn't think it would be when I started.

I still need to finish The Killing Club. I'm in the last few chapters of that book, and half way through The Help.

So much craziness in my life.

Well I have come upon some discoveries....my Mother is soon to be getting money from my Father, since the divorce and all.

I plan on taking the large majority of this and putting it away, and probably just buy a carton of smokes and a bag of pot so I won't have to worry about that for a while. I will want to put the rest away for a car.

Today I'm going to borrow the drivers handbook from my younger sister, ride my nieces bike for at least ten minutes(so out of shape, and so hot outside :/ ) and figure out how to take up time till my brother gets home. Sighness...

well off for now

love

valley cake

Uprising

Uprising by Muse

Decided to start taking driver license lessons starting the twentieth. 11:30am-5:30pm, Monday through Thursday. Kind of nervous, I don't know ANYTHING about driving and it's only a eight days away when I'll be starting. Ugh!!!

I am very excited to finally be learning, this is certain, I just...I CANNOT get into negative thinking right now! Have to know this is the best thing and I need to continue going, keep going, cannot allow myself a day to miss. If I can't handle going to driving school for six hours, for three weeks, how the HELL can I attend school or keep a job?

I wish I hadn't been such a bad kid. Wish I had taken to school, stayed in it. I did so well when I continued going and learned the material with ease, though things like Math and Science troubled me, I know Math was my teachers fault(she let us openly cheat and just do whatever), when Science got too hard I would go and say I was doing my work elsewhere and just listen to Metallica and draw and whatnot.

Talking to my bestie Shawna, she just moved to another big city in the Big T with her man. She will be visiting this Thursday, excited! I just hope my Love is down to chill, oi! I pothole in my plot! The kids are leaving in two weeks, he won't want to! Crappola!

Listening to Insomniatic Meat by Finch; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlOOn8kHN54

Well I am so bored on the daily, Ben hates hearing about it. So I vent here! New Post!

love

Valley Cakes

It'd be on Motherfucker

Cuz all this bullshits made me stronger motherfucker

Drop the World by Lil Wayne ft. Eminem

Well Baby Ben is at the water park with his parents and his kids. He is super pissed. His father tells him, quite serious, "I'm going to lend you some money, but you HAVE to pay me back on Friday." No problem for Baby, now this day comes, they're at the park and his dad gives him twenty lousy fuckin dollars. He wouldn't accept it, told him to keep that and when he gets paid it's his money, and etc., More to this story that makes it fucked up but I've already said too much!

Sooo today I go to take a nap, my pipe and light are in one of my pockets of my capris, slide them off right next to my bed and take a nap. I awake to find that they are gone, cannot find them anywhere, but for some reason my niece's clothes, that are drying, are making a lot of noise, I tell my niece to go find what it is before our new dryer is broken. She says "Yeah, there was a lighter in there." OH SHIT! Is my first thought and I believe my first words. I go and look in the dryer, there are my capris, and there's the pipe. The mouth piece is cracked horrible. Abnormally angry, me and my baby are not having the best day.

They lured him out there, he didn't ask them to take his kids, or to go, and then they won't let me go and give him the shit money. We both cannot wait to just get our own place, be together and have the kids with US next summer.

Last night we discussed marriage and such over the phone. We have decided on a random elope! I told him I needed the whole down on one knee will you marry me business though.

So we say Las Vegas! Probably when I turn 21 next year, if possible, it would be about a month after the kids leave if we can swing it. I want to so badly, to be his girl and for him to be officially my man in every meaning of the words.

I've never loved anyone like this, and felt that same endearing and desirous love back. I cannot picture him not being in my future. I think of how he stares at me and holds me and tells me how much he loves me and holds me. Drives me crazy, knowing we have to wait untill we can even move in together.

Anyway, I need a fag, going to finish watching Indescent Proposal for the first time.

Love!

Valley Cakes

Love Machine

Reading The Love Machine by Jaqueline Susann again, well actually finishing it for once.

Waiting on Baby Love to call me so we can decide what to do. So bored, I am dying for a cigarette! I had 3/4 of one around 12 pm and am now fiendin', though it isn't that bad :) this is good 'cause I've been smoking like a chimney on crack!

Picking at some Honey BBQ chicken strips, my tummy has shrunk so that I can only nibble, unless I am starving then I scarf everything down, it's weird extremes with my appetite, I wonder if it relates to being bi polar....ooooh weeeeell!

Feeling a bit better about things now. Baby Love is going to discuss me going with him, his parents, and his kids to the water park. That is if his Mom ever gets in a good mod -_-'....ugh. I cannot wait till we live together, the thought is daunting but sooooo seductive. To be just him and me for ten months out of the year. Then hopefully less as in we would get the kids for longer.

I'm not sure why it matters who sees what on shit like Facebook.

Well my besteh just moved about four hours away today with her b/f! Cannot believe it, I hope this helps her mature and grow up a bit more. I am certainly worried about her. Cannot wait to visit though!

Last night we smoked soooo much! Sean(besteh) finally started smoking after years of jus drinking, I was so happy! We smoked a billion blunts it seemed.

Bitch Imma pick the world up and imma drop it on your fuckin' head! ~ Lil Wayne ft. Eminem

Why is it whenever Eminem is in someone elses' song he fuckin' wrecks them? It's great. Ugh I really want a cigarette..shit


Anyway, love you guys, gonna read some more of this book and wish I had some smoke.


Valley C

All Around Me

Listening to All Around Me by Flyleaf

Ultra frustrated, just updated my facebook. Annoyed at my mother, frustrated by my boyfriend's mother. Lord have mercy.

I hate youtube ads. Anywho....so next Sunday my man, his kids, and his parents will be going to a water park. I will not be going because it would be tension fueled and his mother would most likely be very annoyed by my presence. I asked love if I could go anyway if I changed my mind, as I'd like the chance to be around the kids and for his parents to see how I am with them. However, no, I asked him and he said he'd have to talk to them about it and I told him no. If he needed to ask them about me coming and going through that kind of conversation it isn't worth it.

APPARENTLY her issues are these; I don't have a job(understable though however hard I've tried I've yet to find one, not to mention I wouldn't have a ride), not in school(have to wait till September to take the GED), apparently I have no maternal instincts(bullshit), and I have nothing to offer the kids(once again, bullshit)

I might act angry, depressed, stupid and such on this and other blogs, but when I'm with those kids, I don't even have to think about trying not to cuss. I don't get aggravated, and when it's been a long day of yelling(the kids that is) I can still maintain myself and only put them "in their place" when need be, and normally without them getting angry, unless one decides to throw a tantrum. However, I have these kids under good control, with Ben or without, I can get them to listen to me. Something his mother seems to lack because they respect no one but their Father. I have no idea if it's because I'm his girlfriend, and combined with the knowledge I already have from raising my niece and nephew, if this is why they react to me so.

His mother complains about being stressed by taking care of all three all day while he works. He tells her she should let me help, but no, she can handle it, she just wants to complain.

I understand I just entered the picture after they left last summer, yes I'm young, jobless, carless, educationless. Damnit all though, I am good with those kids! I love them as if they were my own, I refer to them as the kids, as in mine and my loves.

Now, though, I have learned to never expect them to accept me, appreciate what I can bring to the table, or that I might be right for their son. I can do nothing about this and won't. Just act polite, be there for the kids, and complete my plan that is still in action. Here it is, listed;

Start studying the drivers handbook, on weekends, before love goes to work, and after he will let me learn to drive his manual in an empty parking lot.

Get my drivers license, maybe be lucky enough for someone to buy me a car. If not Love and I will take each other to work.

Get a job once I can get myself back and forth.

Take GED test in September, if I do not pass, keep taking it till I do.

Start classes for Medical Assistant or a Vet Tech. Or it's called a veterinarian assistant, not sure. Whichever is quicker or better paid. They are both short classes, about nine months or so.

Get a job in this filled, become comfortable with it.

Return to school and decide what career I am sure of.

Move out with Love as soon as this is possible, will deff be after I can drive and have some sort of job, also after my GED.

When everything is in it's place, we are moved out, I have a job and car, both that I can depend on. We want to get married, first I will be converting to Catholicism. I was always a Christian, so switching denominations isn't a big deal for me, plus I like the idea of the traditional ways of some Catholic churches.

So that's my plan! This weekend I will get a drivers handbook, I have signed up at gedforfree.com and am studying, though it is hard, I admit, to sit and study. I don't know when the driving lessons with love will commence, I imagine more than likely after the kids leave when we have more time for ourselves. We have to spend every second with them because they will be leaving in a short two weeks :(

Well I suppose I should study for a bit, force myself to.

Love

Valley Cake

RULE #31 CHECK THE BACKSEAT

Watching Zombieland and contemplating starting an Animal Rescue Shelter. I don't know whether or not it would be non-profit. I doubt it, I like the idea of taking care of animals, but asking for payment for them to know these creatures won't end up at another shelter.

I love animals ridiculously, some people say why worry about them with children who need help, etc., well, you have children, I have animals. I love kids, however I've enough of those to help of my own, and animals are my passion, something that has never ceased to amaze me.


I have looked into it and of course I would need partners, whether it be employees to business owners. This thought is disconcerting.

I want to run my own show! I know I want a career involving animals, helping them in some way. I am looking into becoming a veterinarian. As it happens, I will have to see if I can handle the school it takes for this, I am also afraid of my shaky hands! I feel like the guy who tried to become a surgeon in Hostel 1! However I shan't open up live animals!

Well anyway, I need to tend to this kitty my Mum brought home the other day, I have yet to mention Milo!

Milo is a very small orange tabby, I believe a female, she looks to be maybe six weeks old or so. Barely out of weaning. My Mother says she didn't see that cats family around or any others. Just a solitary kitten. This is odd, and I've never seen this unless the animal was dumped. So Mom brought home the cat.

I came home last night and saw the kitten drinking water from a small paper bowl, looking frightened. I ended up taking it too my room and it slept on my bed, it now sits beside me, and I continuously knock it off the keyboard. She has pretty green eyes and is always mewing. I took her outside into the backyard and she pooped and peed, I was surprised she did it so quickly, and without any prompting.

Anyway, Milo/Mima is climbin' up my back so I gotta go!

love,
valley

Fucking SIblings

Gosh sometimes I REALLY despise my sister! I am watching, yes, an R Rated movie in the living room, no children or ANYONE is around, the volume was a tad loud, and she comes in here saying "can you turn it down? it needs to be turned down" then procedes to turn it down to where I can barely hear it. Then starts raising her voice, then bitching because, though I hadn't raised mine, I had cursed, Lacey, who curses all the time at Kaylie, her daughter, lecturing me.

This stupid period has me so frustrated I want to cry, and I hate that it makes me like that, feeling so vulnerable. Fucking sibling. Thanks for letting me vent :)

love you all
val

SATURDAY!!!!

So I am sitting here watching Perfect Blue, WISHING I was watching Zombieland.

Yesterday Ben and I took all of his kids(wish I could say mine :( ) to Cici's and Movie Exchange, the girls picked out a movie and Gabe opted to wait till the almost GAMESTOP for a PS3 game.

I went there just for Zombieland and found Perfect Blue for only $7!! Normally there or anywhere it runs at $15. So in all my things were $17.00. Maddi got Ella Enchanted(a recommendation from moi ;) ) and Sam got Ice Age; Dawn of the Dinosaurs(would I use a colon or semi colon? and whats the difference? =/ ). So we check out, it's pretty busy, we leave, I get home and have both of my movies in hand and begin peeling off the price tags I hate seeing, must compulsively take off. I go to put in Zombieland, the freakin' disc isn't in there!!! I was so angry, since Movie Exchange buys and sells movies, games and such, they always clean the disc first then give it to you, but you go up there with an empty case of whatevers your pleasure.

I've had issues where they just don't clean the disc but not putting it in there? Ugh, I won't care as long as there's no hassle. Which there shouldn't be for a specific reason.

One, I don't have stickers but have the receipt, we went yesterday as well. So it hasn't been long. Then the girl who rung us up is always there, nice and chilled, and she looks like(as well as sounds like) Clarice Starling. I hope to find her there today so she will remember, especially since she asked us if we knew Perfect Blue, an anime, is not fit for kids, I laughed and told her I knew. She told me a story of how a woman wanted to buy a young child an X-Files season or some such, that show can be scary! The day went pretty well though.

So today we will be going to get Ben's car tinted, should take an hour, then go to the Movie Bar and Grill, whatever it's called, and eat and watch something, hopefully the last airbender instead of karate kid! *fingers crossed*

Speakin' of movies! I really want to see Legend of the Guardians, or whatever, with the owls? Looks awesome, of course the graphics are superb!

My Mum and Grandmother will be coming by soon, I shall receive pain pills and possibly a small amount of muscle relaxers for this horrible period that ails me. Since my miscarriage, I've yet to see a gyno, appointments are rare and there is never anyone here who could take me, maybe Ben's sister? She's so my bestie lol =) LOVE YA MAL!

So car tinting, after prolly stop at the park and "smoke a cig" then the movies.

SUCH AN INTENSE PART IN PERFECT BLUE! Watching the ending, omg!

Love you all, take care, peace!
val