Happy Birthday, Jesus

Watching Rent, gettin' down with my inside homosexual, it's all good, apparently all females are homosexual, thank goodness I'm no homophobe =)

Taye Diggs is preeetty fine, by the way.

So had a momentary break up with my Babe. Luckily we both realized our faults and stitched the situation up.

Speaking of Babe, I was speakin' with Snikkers, his younger sis, and we figured the best and quickest thing I can do right now is learning to drive. So, I can find out if my brother and I can really focus on that or if I need driving lessons, though even then, I'd be having to find someone to depend on for a ride still. Regardless, I shall be speaking to Tj(oldest brother) about this tomorrow.

Also wanting/needing to find out what kind of chords and monitor I need for my awesome mini desktop tower.

"GLOOOOOORYYYYYYYY!!!" Sorry, but Rent is super intense.

So newho, after the quick break up Babe and I have become much more closer. Tis endearing and lovely.

Well, I really need to focus on this Rent bidnezz, love ya'll!!

Valley Cakes <3

Medicine

Plies ft. Keri Hilson ~ Medicine

So I am on the edge and barely fastened by tired fingertips. I am barely grasping, I am tired of trying to stay up there, it seems every moment of the day I am slowly being pushed closer, nudged, little whispers in my ear forcing me closer. And I am tired of holding on. I've let go, and now I bleed.

My legs bare new cuts, I will not be wearing the above dress till they've healed.

I feel like the Obsolete Man on The Twilight Zone. I have no purpose, therefore I am obsolete. I cannot learn, I cannot give myself confidence, I can merely stare and make stupid decisions and worsen things for others.

I've fucked a lot of stuff up.

Blue Valentines

It takes a whole of whiskey to make these nightmares go away, and I cut my bleeding heart out every night....and I'm gonna die jus' a little more each Saint Valetine's Day, don't you remember I promised I would write you....these blue valentines....blue valentines.....blue vaaaalentiiiines.....~Uncle Tom Waits~


Not sure what to even write about. Brother is depressed, mine and my mothers fault.

Have to stop asking him for help.

Got to get this shit together.

love
val

ps
wish me luck

The Help...

A cool screen shot from Interview with the Vampire, me and my niece Kaylie Bear. I love that girl :)

So I am currently listening to Lil by Usher feat. Nicki Minaj, read The Help by Kathryn Stockett. I like that way of spelling Kathryn, pretty...anyway....

It's a book from multiple characters P.O.V(Point of View). It's 1960 and there are still black maids, rearing white womens children and having to go outside to use a different restroom for absurd reasons. It's a seemingly realistic book, touching, and made me tense in anticipation of what happens next. An instant page turner, though I didn't think it would be when I started.

I still need to finish The Killing Club. I'm in the last few chapters of that book, and half way through The Help.

So much craziness in my life.

Well I have come upon some discoveries....my Mother is soon to be getting money from my Father, since the divorce and all.

I plan on taking the large majority of this and putting it away, and probably just buy a carton of smokes and a bag of pot so I won't have to worry about that for a while. I will want to put the rest away for a car.

Today I'm going to borrow the drivers handbook from my younger sister, ride my nieces bike for at least ten minutes(so out of shape, and so hot outside :/ ) and figure out how to take up time till my brother gets home. Sighness...

well off for now

love

valley cake

Uprising

Uprising by Muse

Decided to start taking driver license lessons starting the twentieth. 11:30am-5:30pm, Monday through Thursday. Kind of nervous, I don't know ANYTHING about driving and it's only a eight days away when I'll be starting. Ugh!!!

I am very excited to finally be learning, this is certain, I just...I CANNOT get into negative thinking right now! Have to know this is the best thing and I need to continue going, keep going, cannot allow myself a day to miss. If I can't handle going to driving school for six hours, for three weeks, how the HELL can I attend school or keep a job?

I wish I hadn't been such a bad kid. Wish I had taken to school, stayed in it. I did so well when I continued going and learned the material with ease, though things like Math and Science troubled me, I know Math was my teachers fault(she let us openly cheat and just do whatever), when Science got too hard I would go and say I was doing my work elsewhere and just listen to Metallica and draw and whatnot.

Talking to my bestie Shawna, she just moved to another big city in the Big T with her man. She will be visiting this Thursday, excited! I just hope my Love is down to chill, oi! I pothole in my plot! The kids are leaving in two weeks, he won't want to! Crappola!

Listening to Insomniatic Meat by Finch; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlOOn8kHN54

Well I am so bored on the daily, Ben hates hearing about it. So I vent here! New Post!

love

Valley Cakes

It'd be on Motherfucker

Cuz all this bullshits made me stronger motherfucker

Drop the World by Lil Wayne ft. Eminem

Well Baby Ben is at the water park with his parents and his kids. He is super pissed. His father tells him, quite serious, "I'm going to lend you some money, but you HAVE to pay me back on Friday." No problem for Baby, now this day comes, they're at the park and his dad gives him twenty lousy fuckin dollars. He wouldn't accept it, told him to keep that and when he gets paid it's his money, and etc., More to this story that makes it fucked up but I've already said too much!

Sooo today I go to take a nap, my pipe and light are in one of my pockets of my capris, slide them off right next to my bed and take a nap. I awake to find that they are gone, cannot find them anywhere, but for some reason my niece's clothes, that are drying, are making a lot of noise, I tell my niece to go find what it is before our new dryer is broken. She says "Yeah, there was a lighter in there." OH SHIT! Is my first thought and I believe my first words. I go and look in the dryer, there are my capris, and there's the pipe. The mouth piece is cracked horrible. Abnormally angry, me and my baby are not having the best day.

They lured him out there, he didn't ask them to take his kids, or to go, and then they won't let me go and give him the shit money. We both cannot wait to just get our own place, be together and have the kids with US next summer.

Last night we discussed marriage and such over the phone. We have decided on a random elope! I told him I needed the whole down on one knee will you marry me business though.

So we say Las Vegas! Probably when I turn 21 next year, if possible, it would be about a month after the kids leave if we can swing it. I want to so badly, to be his girl and for him to be officially my man in every meaning of the words.

I've never loved anyone like this, and felt that same endearing and desirous love back. I cannot picture him not being in my future. I think of how he stares at me and holds me and tells me how much he loves me and holds me. Drives me crazy, knowing we have to wait untill we can even move in together.

Anyway, I need a fag, going to finish watching Indescent Proposal for the first time.

Love!

Valley Cakes

Love Machine

Reading The Love Machine by Jaqueline Susann again, well actually finishing it for once.

Waiting on Baby Love to call me so we can decide what to do. So bored, I am dying for a cigarette! I had 3/4 of one around 12 pm and am now fiendin', though it isn't that bad :) this is good 'cause I've been smoking like a chimney on crack!

Picking at some Honey BBQ chicken strips, my tummy has shrunk so that I can only nibble, unless I am starving then I scarf everything down, it's weird extremes with my appetite, I wonder if it relates to being bi polar....ooooh weeeeell!

Feeling a bit better about things now. Baby Love is going to discuss me going with him, his parents, and his kids to the water park. That is if his Mom ever gets in a good mod -_-'....ugh. I cannot wait till we live together, the thought is daunting but sooooo seductive. To be just him and me for ten months out of the year. Then hopefully less as in we would get the kids for longer.

I'm not sure why it matters who sees what on shit like Facebook.

Well my besteh just moved about four hours away today with her b/f! Cannot believe it, I hope this helps her mature and grow up a bit more. I am certainly worried about her. Cannot wait to visit though!

Last night we smoked soooo much! Sean(besteh) finally started smoking after years of jus drinking, I was so happy! We smoked a billion blunts it seemed.

Bitch Imma pick the world up and imma drop it on your fuckin' head! ~ Lil Wayne ft. Eminem

Why is it whenever Eminem is in someone elses' song he fuckin' wrecks them? It's great. Ugh I really want a cigarette..shit


Anyway, love you guys, gonna read some more of this book and wish I had some smoke.


Valley C

All Around Me

Listening to All Around Me by Flyleaf

Ultra frustrated, just updated my facebook. Annoyed at my mother, frustrated by my boyfriend's mother. Lord have mercy.

I hate youtube ads. Anywho....so next Sunday my man, his kids, and his parents will be going to a water park. I will not be going because it would be tension fueled and his mother would most likely be very annoyed by my presence. I asked love if I could go anyway if I changed my mind, as I'd like the chance to be around the kids and for his parents to see how I am with them. However, no, I asked him and he said he'd have to talk to them about it and I told him no. If he needed to ask them about me coming and going through that kind of conversation it isn't worth it.

APPARENTLY her issues are these; I don't have a job(understable though however hard I've tried I've yet to find one, not to mention I wouldn't have a ride), not in school(have to wait till September to take the GED), apparently I have no maternal instincts(bullshit), and I have nothing to offer the kids(once again, bullshit)

I might act angry, depressed, stupid and such on this and other blogs, but when I'm with those kids, I don't even have to think about trying not to cuss. I don't get aggravated, and when it's been a long day of yelling(the kids that is) I can still maintain myself and only put them "in their place" when need be, and normally without them getting angry, unless one decides to throw a tantrum. However, I have these kids under good control, with Ben or without, I can get them to listen to me. Something his mother seems to lack because they respect no one but their Father. I have no idea if it's because I'm his girlfriend, and combined with the knowledge I already have from raising my niece and nephew, if this is why they react to me so.

His mother complains about being stressed by taking care of all three all day while he works. He tells her she should let me help, but no, she can handle it, she just wants to complain.

I understand I just entered the picture after they left last summer, yes I'm young, jobless, carless, educationless. Damnit all though, I am good with those kids! I love them as if they were my own, I refer to them as the kids, as in mine and my loves.

Now, though, I have learned to never expect them to accept me, appreciate what I can bring to the table, or that I might be right for their son. I can do nothing about this and won't. Just act polite, be there for the kids, and complete my plan that is still in action. Here it is, listed;

Start studying the drivers handbook, on weekends, before love goes to work, and after he will let me learn to drive his manual in an empty parking lot.

Get my drivers license, maybe be lucky enough for someone to buy me a car. If not Love and I will take each other to work.

Get a job once I can get myself back and forth.

Take GED test in September, if I do not pass, keep taking it till I do.

Start classes for Medical Assistant or a Vet Tech. Or it's called a veterinarian assistant, not sure. Whichever is quicker or better paid. They are both short classes, about nine months or so.

Get a job in this filled, become comfortable with it.

Return to school and decide what career I am sure of.

Move out with Love as soon as this is possible, will deff be after I can drive and have some sort of job, also after my GED.

When everything is in it's place, we are moved out, I have a job and car, both that I can depend on. We want to get married, first I will be converting to Catholicism. I was always a Christian, so switching denominations isn't a big deal for me, plus I like the idea of the traditional ways of some Catholic churches.

So that's my plan! This weekend I will get a drivers handbook, I have signed up at gedforfree.com and am studying, though it is hard, I admit, to sit and study. I don't know when the driving lessons with love will commence, I imagine more than likely after the kids leave when we have more time for ourselves. We have to spend every second with them because they will be leaving in a short two weeks :(

Well I suppose I should study for a bit, force myself to.

Love

Valley Cake

RULE #31 CHECK THE BACKSEAT

Watching Zombieland and contemplating starting an Animal Rescue Shelter. I don't know whether or not it would be non-profit. I doubt it, I like the idea of taking care of animals, but asking for payment for them to know these creatures won't end up at another shelter.

I love animals ridiculously, some people say why worry about them with children who need help, etc., well, you have children, I have animals. I love kids, however I've enough of those to help of my own, and animals are my passion, something that has never ceased to amaze me.


I have looked into it and of course I would need partners, whether it be employees to business owners. This thought is disconcerting.

I want to run my own show! I know I want a career involving animals, helping them in some way. I am looking into becoming a veterinarian. As it happens, I will have to see if I can handle the school it takes for this, I am also afraid of my shaky hands! I feel like the guy who tried to become a surgeon in Hostel 1! However I shan't open up live animals!

Well anyway, I need to tend to this kitty my Mum brought home the other day, I have yet to mention Milo!

Milo is a very small orange tabby, I believe a female, she looks to be maybe six weeks old or so. Barely out of weaning. My Mother says she didn't see that cats family around or any others. Just a solitary kitten. This is odd, and I've never seen this unless the animal was dumped. So Mom brought home the cat.

I came home last night and saw the kitten drinking water from a small paper bowl, looking frightened. I ended up taking it too my room and it slept on my bed, it now sits beside me, and I continuously knock it off the keyboard. She has pretty green eyes and is always mewing. I took her outside into the backyard and she pooped and peed, I was surprised she did it so quickly, and without any prompting.

Anyway, Milo/Mima is climbin' up my back so I gotta go!

love,
valley

Fucking SIblings

Gosh sometimes I REALLY despise my sister! I am watching, yes, an R Rated movie in the living room, no children or ANYONE is around, the volume was a tad loud, and she comes in here saying "can you turn it down? it needs to be turned down" then procedes to turn it down to where I can barely hear it. Then starts raising her voice, then bitching because, though I hadn't raised mine, I had cursed, Lacey, who curses all the time at Kaylie, her daughter, lecturing me.

This stupid period has me so frustrated I want to cry, and I hate that it makes me like that, feeling so vulnerable. Fucking sibling. Thanks for letting me vent :)

love you all
val

SATURDAY!!!!

So I am sitting here watching Perfect Blue, WISHING I was watching Zombieland.

Yesterday Ben and I took all of his kids(wish I could say mine :( ) to Cici's and Movie Exchange, the girls picked out a movie and Gabe opted to wait till the almost GAMESTOP for a PS3 game.

I went there just for Zombieland and found Perfect Blue for only $7!! Normally there or anywhere it runs at $15. So in all my things were $17.00. Maddi got Ella Enchanted(a recommendation from moi ;) ) and Sam got Ice Age; Dawn of the Dinosaurs(would I use a colon or semi colon? and whats the difference? =/ ). So we check out, it's pretty busy, we leave, I get home and have both of my movies in hand and begin peeling off the price tags I hate seeing, must compulsively take off. I go to put in Zombieland, the freakin' disc isn't in there!!! I was so angry, since Movie Exchange buys and sells movies, games and such, they always clean the disc first then give it to you, but you go up there with an empty case of whatevers your pleasure.

I've had issues where they just don't clean the disc but not putting it in there? Ugh, I won't care as long as there's no hassle. Which there shouldn't be for a specific reason.

One, I don't have stickers but have the receipt, we went yesterday as well. So it hasn't been long. Then the girl who rung us up is always there, nice and chilled, and she looks like(as well as sounds like) Clarice Starling. I hope to find her there today so she will remember, especially since she asked us if we knew Perfect Blue, an anime, is not fit for kids, I laughed and told her I knew. She told me a story of how a woman wanted to buy a young child an X-Files season or some such, that show can be scary! The day went pretty well though.

So today we will be going to get Ben's car tinted, should take an hour, then go to the Movie Bar and Grill, whatever it's called, and eat and watch something, hopefully the last airbender instead of karate kid! *fingers crossed*

Speakin' of movies! I really want to see Legend of the Guardians, or whatever, with the owls? Looks awesome, of course the graphics are superb!

My Mum and Grandmother will be coming by soon, I shall receive pain pills and possibly a small amount of muscle relaxers for this horrible period that ails me. Since my miscarriage, I've yet to see a gyno, appointments are rare and there is never anyone here who could take me, maybe Ben's sister? She's so my bestie lol =) LOVE YA MAL!

So car tinting, after prolly stop at the park and "smoke a cig" then the movies.

SUCH AN INTENSE PART IN PERFECT BLUE! Watching the ending, omg!

Love you all, take care, peace!
val

I Feel Like Dying

Lil Wayne ~ I Feel Like Dying

Only once the drugs are done, I feel like dying....

When I had no control over my perscription pill problem this was my constant thought. A prisoner locked behind xanax bars. Lovely lyric.


Typing up my life stories. Going better today.

So now I take a nap and prepare for cleaning when workers are gone. Kitchen vinyl tile ish stuff is being torn out right now, then trim will be added and painted. Entry way guys are being fired for continuously not showing up, and when they do they barely work and spend most the time yapping like chihuahuas.

Uncle should be here soon to check on the progress. I wonder if I will even be able to sleep. Wish me luck.

ta ta
val

rip baby doe, rip kaden, rip sloe

Poemesque

Another day I sit and stare at a screen
It seems to be infinitively blank
I let nicotine soar through my system
As words pour out of my fingertips onto the blank
technologic sheet
The doll I hold close to my heart does not breath
And I steady my hands as I clench the lifeless thing
In the next moment I am holding flesh and blood
Not a being caked in blood, but a breathing, healthy child
A small head rests in the crook of my arm
My breath and heart beat become in time with hers
A flicker of hope is allowed in what feels like
These old rotting eyes
A perchance at a family
At something somewhat norm.
Take the love for Baby Doe and release it into these childrens veins
They accept as a recovering addict accepts their deepest and most vile pleasure once again
I hold tight to the babes
I will not allow the world to be as cruel to them as it was to I
They will be taught and cautioned of what may lay ahead
And I shall sleep easy knowing I might have helped them last another day


It has been a while since I have written anything. It feels good to release this built up emotions. Please accept this.

Love
Imp

A Series....

Of Unfortunate Events is what I watch right now. I munch on white grapes and wonder what will happen with the smoke situation tonight. Might not be able to pick up due to the lateness of retrieval time. I am contemplating an artistic idea at the moment, that I've had help with from my nieces aunt.

I have evolved the plan three times, or I will just have three different ways of doing it, possibly four. I have small index cards which I draw a little piece on one side and write "Stolen hArt" 0n the back. I wanted to randomly distribute them throughout Houston small businesses and such. Now I am thinking of going to local libraries and start asking if I can leave a basket of drawings for people to take if they wish. Maybe do something like five or ten cents a card and that will be given to the library. Also there is the idea to send these index cards randomly as postcards anonymously via google earth or whatever is called. I like all of these choices, oh yes and there is simply going to the libraries, going through books and randomly leaving the cards.

Who knows, but it shall be a fun project!

This is also inspiring me to write a story first person wise, main character based on me and this project, along with my man and us living in Houston. I've not gotten very far but I enjoy the relief of letting words fall all over a page.

Adios
Valley Cakes

Comment on an Artist

So this is a story I am working on. It is based on actual events in my life, volume two is true, somewhat memoir as I cannot remember all that was said but definetly the gist of what was going on and the mood. I remember more visually really. I hope whoever may see this gives it a chance. I will be editing it daily, this will be my draft of my first "memoir" I am thinking of removing volume one and making that a fictional yet based on me tale anyway now. I realized I have so many crazy life experiences, I never wanted to write it down chronologically. Now I know I can just tell stories as I want, add in different nights and days and ridiculous dreams and nightmares where ever I chose and hopefully have an enticing tale! Thank you, any who give this a chance or even only read a little bit. Remember vol 1 is fictional, as vol 2 is an actual, very accurate account of what happened when I first went to West Oaks. Yes, the FIRST time.

I'd like to say I do not think of myself as an attention whore =) I simply love to write and all I can think of is getting out all I've been through, and maybe find company with others who have felt the same way or been in similar situations. Love you all, please take care and be safe! Enjoy!
(also, I don't believe this is close to being good enough to getting printed, but please don't jack my shit or I'll have to fuck you up ^.- loves)

Vol 1

I'm sketching a small drawing onto an index card, a small girl holding a bouquet of flowers, on the back of the card, which is blank, I write "Stolen hART" in a strange font, write TRS for "the red series" and AKV for my initials. The small piece of art is done, I will do this, with different drawings and different fonts, for about an hour, then deliver my self proclaimed "art".

We shall call it a new hobby of mine. I sip coffee in a small Houston cafe called "Budd's Cup", somewhat of a new age hippie joint.

I leave a five on the table, covering the small black coffee and tip, and proceed to leave an index card on ever table, underneath each corner of every dessert menu. I smile and wave to the cashier and exit. Readjusting my "satchel", bookbag, whatever, from my left to right. I open up the flap as I get to the crosswalk and have to grin at the bountiful amount of index cards I've made in the last month.

After doing this same process to each small business cafe, coffee shop, tattoo parlor, book store, and other such accepting joints, I meet my boyfriend at Budd's again smiling like Pennywise.

"Soo? What happened Cakes?" Josh asks as he sets down a copy of the Houston Press. I can see they're paying some attention to the cleanliness of popular Houston hot spots. Great!

"Hey Bebe," I plant a kiss on his lips and sit opposite of him, waving towards Miguel, the waiter we've known since, when? The beginning of all things, it seems. "Well it appears the are quite a few places that don't mind me laying my minds excess of shit around! Or art, whatever people call it!" As proof I open the flap for him and show the diminished index cards to now only a few dozen. I already feel a bit daunted at the task of making a few hundred more.

"Well shit that's great! Have I even asked you yet what you expect to get from this? You don't leave it clear who you are except to Budd here, and you tell people it's some weird art project for UH. Are you just getting kicks out of being able to anonymously express yourself or what?" He sips his large black and I stare into his brown eyes wondering how it took me so long to find him, then I also find a proper response.

"I was wondering why you hadn't asked earlier when I told you about you waiting here while I did this, well babe, it is a bit of what you said, I love expressing this to no one and every one. I also hope people on their own will want to know who is doing this, or at least get something positive out of it, whether it's a laugh, at the thought or the contents. I feel it's one thing I can do and must at the same time. It's almost a bit confusing, really. Egh, I don't enjoy these hard to figure out thoughts!" I squash my temples with each hand and clench my eyes shut. After a few moments I let go and sigh, "Ice Caramel Coffee, please Miguel, if you aren't gonna come ask!" I mutter "motherfucker" under my breath. Josh laughs.

"Al', why are you so angry at this innocent waiter? What'd this boy do?" His eyes change to his all penetrating gaze and he then turns and glares at the 20 year old chicano. "He was hitting on me, oh so blatantly, just some nasty stares and shit, I called him on it, but still come in here. I guess he expected the opposite. I always see his ass starin' at the floor when I'm here though." I allow myself the pleasure of a chuckle.

"Fine, let's fuckin' get outta here then." Joshua lays down exactly $2.50 for his coffee and walks to the door, holding it open for me. "Well what'd you have in mind?" I turn and ask him before leaving. "Goin' home and gettin' you where you belong." He kisses me neck, grabs my ass and helps me out the door, I'm smiling and laughing all the way to the house.

Vol 2

We're sitting in our incredibly cramped kitchenette type whatever. A closet sized kitchen I'd say. Sipping on apple juice and toking on a jay, we're discussing how to handle the feedback from the cards. My Stolen hArt.

"Well, it's a positive thing, this is definite, I'm just not sure how to go about organizing much of anything, or what I should be organizing! Am I suppose to create a gallery? With little cards? Keep posting them though people might be looking for me?" My right foot is tap tap tappin' on the tile, the joint is working but not as much as I need it to.

"What I would recommend is talking to some of your artsy friends and find out what they do. Them or someone they know might be able to tell you where to go from here." Joshua is using a toothpick to get leftover steak out of his teeth, even these things I don't mind, I'm thinking about the emails and speculation I have been given.

"I guess I expected a reaction like this, guess it's my fault for not thinking it through, didn't really think anything would come from it, I 'spose, subconsciously." I can see he is taking this in as he takes a long swig of Mickey's. I shrug and take one last hit off the joint, well now roach, and put it in the ashtray, for later bowls, or to be recycled.

"Well you need to be happy that there were far more positive reactions than negative, you could be getting shit mail out the wazzoo, or angry business owners saying they've lost customers or some such shit. No, people are happy when they see the cards, intrigued, and now want to know about the person who is doing this for this shitty city." He finished the Mickey's, throws it at the trash can and goes to grab another from the fridge.

I finger the tablecloth, silently acknowledging what he said and taking it in. People NOTICED. They're not all pissed! It appears that I've done something everyone will not look down upon. How the Hell did I even manage this? I keep these thoughts to myself and pull another rolled joint from the silver cigarette container I use for these purposes and spark it. After a deep drag and looking off through the screen door, I speak.

"I suppose I'll go back to my old blog, add onto it though, call it Stolen hArt and all they'll have to do is look that up. I'll give away little information other than my possible intentions and who I am exactly. Hopefully I don't need to worry about anyone delving in too deep." All these things are coming to my mind as I say them, I've never been a think before you speak type. Always impulsive, thus, always getting into shit.

"THAT is a good idea. A small way of letting people know you aren't some creepy guy or crazy bitch. You're trying to do something good, but we have to find a way to advance this...I think you should." His eyes are becoming a tad glazed as the malt hits him, a smile is allowed on my lips and I consider this then respond. "Well, I can work on getting followers, or just finding random blogs and ask them if they will post a scanned copy of random new index cards, net cards. Then a link to my blog, but no information nor warning, the picture out of nowhere and underneath a link! What do ya think?" I can't help but grin as he smiles, tugs my ponytail gently and kisses me. "Fucking fantastic baby. You should start on it tomorrow even, before work, afternoon shift, right?"

I snarl and think of this. Yes from six pm to six am I will be working at Animal Emergency Hospital off Highway 6. "Yeah...shit on me! I want a fucking day to do this, replies will probably take time, and who knows who I can get in on it, I don't have to many blog "followers" I just go there to vent, now I've got a purpose and I need to exploit it."

Vol 2

I am shaken from a deep sleep, I'm groggy and pissed off, who's waking me up? "C'mon Alice, wake up, you've got fifteen minutes to pack your things." I slump up and look up to see my Dad and court ordered therapist, Destiny, standing above my bare mattress that lays on the ground. "What the Hell are ya'll talking about?" I rub the sleep from my eyes and look at both of them. Destiny looks like she's veiling her anger and my father simply looks confused.

"You're going to West Oaks, your Dad found the bottle of Xanax. You have to go, you've got fifteen minutes to grab your stuff." Destiny tells me and my father is nodding with her, I'm sixteen and now very very irritated. I note that Destiny seems irritated with the whole situation. Her annoyed gaze tells me "let's drop this kid off and get on with our lives. I have other patients.". What can I say? I ain't the easiest kid to deal with.

"What the Hell?! Fifteen minutes! This is bullshit!" The previous night I had taken the majority of my Xanax and somehow survived, though there was a mess throughout my home from my devious anger that accompanies that many pills. It is still surging through my body, though I don't know it.

I viciously grab my purse, throw in some c.d's and my portable c.d player and headphones, a few books and a journal. "Fine let's get this shit over with." I look at them both, betrayers, Judas and Brutus. How could thee harm me so?

We leave in Destiny's car, a nice, new Corolla Toyota, I sit in the back, an angry teenager who is being told they tried to commit suicide. I barely speak a word the whole ride there, instead throwing on my headphones and blasting Anti-Christ Superstar and angrily mouthing the lyrics, staring into nothing. My eyes probably resembled a dead mans.

We get inside and I plop into a not so comfortable chair and stare off, not sure what to make of the situation. My Dad and therapist are talking to the receptionist about my situation, then a man walks through a locked door from the reception area. "Hey are you hungry? Let's get you something to eat!" I am greatful, I was awoken and given nothing and this is the first person today to not be angry with me for my actions. I am an angry kid but if someone smiles and I don't see perversion or sarcasm behind it, I can't help but be won over. General kindness and the want to help people, or merely lighten their day, well it's like a fifties romance for me.

I am led to the cafeteria where there aren't any people sitting at the time, it must be right before lunch, or after breakfast? I don't even know the time. I get a roll, a piece of chicken, some juice and a pudding, I sit outside in the reception in the same chair and scarf down my meal, the Xanax still coursing through my veins and making my hunger unbearable.

After sitting there for a good half hour, my therapist leaves and my Dad tells me in order for me to be safe, by the hospital standards, I must go to another not-so-mental hospital and get blood work, I'm guessing to make sure I don't seize out or something.

A memory of my mother seizing due to herself having a lack of Xanax in her system, springs into my thoughts, I rid myself of it by instantly focusing on each little task. Put on this hospital gown, get your picture taken, get on the gurney, no not gurney, I'm not dead. Everything's gonna be alright, rock a bye. This song echoes in my head. I wonder if my Mom is thinking about me?

After the ambulance "ride" I am put into a room where my Dad stays with me. I lay and clench my eyes as they insert a syringe and take a rainbow test. We are at the hospital for the whole day. Later on my older sister comes in and talks to me while I profess I was not trying to kill myself, just one too many. I found the pr0blem with Xanax was that you'd take one, then couldn't remember if you'd taken it, now I obviously ended up knowing I'd had my fill, but after three I wanted to "party" isolated and ended up taking the rest of the bottle throughout the night.

Once it's about eight or so I am taken back to West Oaks, led to the adolescent ward with my father and sister. This is after we all go through a metal detector, they take my c.d player and c.d's, my one love, music, but at least leave my journal, luckily it didn't contain wire binding.

We walk out 0f the building we entered into a grassy field that is surrounded by different units, I am to be put into unit 7. We enter and I see all the locks, as soon as you're in the ward, to your right is a door with a very small window, with a metal grate over it, inside is a solitary mattress and padded walls. I don't shiver but peak in. Soon I am taken to this room and strip searched by a female orderly. My father and sister sit and speak with the top orderlies, signing forms and finding out what is and isn't allowed. I sit with them until I am no longer needed and then see the group of kids sitting at a collapsible table playing cards, talking, and laughing.

"Zach crack!" I hear someone say and giggle. I saunter over, holding my ridiculously baggy bondage rocker pants up, they've taken my belt away. "Did I hear someone say crack?" I get the attention of the kids. There's a skinny white girl who looks a bit emo, but still smiles. A skinny white boy with curly blond hair, apparently this is Zach, a red head with glasses, an upscale looking white girl with pretty blue eyes, a goth looking black girl who looks like the murder doll chucky and is proud of it.

I pull out a metal chair and sit down, I take a look back and see my sister watching me, looking worried. "Yes, we're talking about Zach here! I'm Allison!" The emo white girl, a short cropped black cut, says, waving away my worries of not being accepted even to the other "crazies". The redhead is Courtney, blue eyes is Amanda, Tanya is chucky, and Zach is Zach. "I'm Alice, you can call me A or Al, whatever." I shake hands with each of them and sit down.

We are soon giggling and laughing too loudly, a large black woman, another orderly, tells us to calm down. We do.

Within thirty minutes of this my kin are getting up to leave, I feel scared and uncertain.

Once they are gone I am given the immediate supplies. Here is what is deemed neccesary at West Oaks Mental Hospital;
A roll stick of deodorant, travel size
a tube of tooth paste
a shitty tooth brush
a comb
hair shampoo and conditioner in one, also travel size
a hand towel
pair of beige socks
a list of rules.

I am shown my room, which normally would have someone else in it but since I make this troupe an odd number I temporarily have my own room, I guess until someone else takes too many pills. I go inside and stare at the thick glassed window, all doors are kept ajar. I manage to find sleep after not too long.

The next morning I awake early, and soon another black orderly is making their way into my room. I find it strange that everyone in this institution is most black, be it they're from all over, it's just an odd thing to notice. The orderly takes me vitals and moves to the next room. I am taken with Amanda, who apparently arrive only a few hours before me yesterday, to the front of the large room we're kept in, they sit us by the collection of folded tables that serves as their desks and first do a rainbow test on her, than I. We then sit on the two long parallel white couches. Girls on one side, boys on the other.

After about fifteen minutes Courtney and Allison awoke, and groggily walked to the "t.v room", really just an open room connected to the large living room-ish area. The t.v was about 40 inches and had a hard plastic casing covering it inside a wooden shell so as not to be thrown. We laid or sat on the couches that lined the small space, watching crappy MTV dating shows where people are horribly flirty, yet unable to tune into Family Guy less we are caught and lose said privileges, though some of us say fuck it most the time.

We watch t.v till 7:00 am when the kids whom are no longer on Suicide Watch(blue bracelet) get to go to the cafeteria. I came in only last night, have yet to see a general practitioner or psychiatrist, so I will request whatever options I'm given, some cereal, eggs, bacon, biscuit, milk, and juice.

After breakfast I learn of waiting. There are always things you are waiting for. Possible time outside, group therapy, individual therapy, family therapy, if you're in for drugs, there's PDAP mandatory group sessions. "Class", where you really only learn about mental illness from a pissed off ex-cop. Class is a grueling two and a half hours, which would maybe be okay as a change if it weren't for the fact the building seemed so governmental. Though the staff made it clear it was not a government facility. The walls were a dull, somehow, soft gray, blank white black tile, large doors with larges handles, and loud buzzing to be let through. Locks for the restrooms. One in at a time, showers mandatory every morning and night, thank God for that. No razors, wait for lunch. Lunch comes, food is consumed like an addictive video game. Girls are able to mingle with boys which merely provides for better social interaction. Wait wait wait wait wait wait don't hug, can't put make up on one another or do each others hair wait, wait, the doctor will be seeing you in five minutes, wait we're about to give out medication. Wait, open your mouth, lift your tongue, let me see the sides, wait heres another!

The days strung on like this, it was boring but I finally got around to reading The Vampire Lestat, a book I'd checked out from my school library and had brought in. I told every doctor I was fine but not afraid to be brutally honest and ask for things I needed, such as eggcrate mattress layer whatever for my aching hip. I was "prescribed" coffee in the morning for my caffeine headaches, 800 mg of ibuprofen whenever needed. I was taking Seroquel every night, and the amount was going up daily. It was a sedative and a bipolar medication, one I hadn't abused. It made me incredibly groggy in the morning and want to sleep all day, which I couldn't, less with extra special permission.

The average stay in West Oaks is 3 days. However, this can easily turn into two weeks, or if you seem to never be out of a suicidal/homicidal mode, you can be transferred. This place was merely for kids and adults to recoup and hopefully go back into the real world a bit saner, along with out patient therapy, if we wanted to pay for it.

After two full days inside, I was granted to grounds and cafeteria privileges(green bracelet). I will finally be allowed to socialize further by watching eating habits, reactions to food, and brief glances at the other in patients.

So this is the incomplete story I am currently working on. If anyone is aware of my writing you know I am flaky about continuing the same project. However, I truly love writing and will always do my best to make a story thrive and continue it for as long as I can without ruining what's already been written. I appreciate anyone who reads this and gives me constructive criticism.

Tata
Val

ps update~~~~****
I was editing this more so in Volume Two just now, so if you realize around the beginning it's better than the ending writing or not, let me know!

Welcome Home

Thinking of Welcome Home by Coheed and Cambria as I lay in my "new" room. It was my mother's but before that was mine. It is the laundry room the wall connects to my old room. Yay...

I should not even attempt to complain! Oh the news I have for you!

My love's children are here! They got here a few days ago, G's fifth birthday was two days ago. I've had a blast spending time with them when my Love is off work, unfortunately that is from 8 PM on Monday and Tues., 6PM Wednesday and Thurs., then 5PM on Friday. So I must wait all day until I can see their three beautiful faces.

S is 8 though she will be turning 9 later this year. M is 6 and she will be turning 7 I believe, though her and G are barely nine months apart I believe.

They have grown fond of me and I completely adore them. I actually love them more than I love my Love!

S is so smart and yet hilarious as well, though she is a bit self-conscious and reminds me of myself as a worried eight year old with parents who were going through issues.

Regardless! Love and I have committed ourselves to giving these three children the best summer they could ask for. Their life with their mother is a living Hell where they fend for themselves. Luckily we've established a plan of attack!

After this summer(we plan on spending every penny on the sweet bebe's) we will save to pay an attorney to renegotiate the divorce terms of visitation, then get our own place and it will then take about a year for us to get engage, due to me becoming Catholic for the occasion, and thus have a better opportunity to get even more or main custody of the children.

I hope it all works and now that I know these children I have so much more initiative to REALLY AND TRULY get my shit TOGETHER!

Every day I ask my brother when we can go to the community college so I can get put on the list for the GED exam. I will then complete whatever basics I must and take the eight month program to become a medical assistant. From there I will try to continue school while saving up money and becoming much better at my job.

I do not want these children to ever need a thing. I plan on sending them letters and things throughout the year and hopefully even speaking with them.

When I use my brothers desktop I might even post a few photos of the angels. =)

Well I must go, twas nice to come back here and let this all out. I must always have a plan!

Also, this is just a small sample of the new things going on in my life!

Ta ta!
Valley Cakes

Life Is Mostly Harmless

Reading Mostly Harmless by Douglas Adams. Waiting for Ben to call me.

He has been laid off by his boss for his owners cousin who just came to the U.S

Luckily he has a good chance of getting another well paying job. I hope the best for him.

The good thing is he has a month till his kids get here and can hopefully save up something by then.

Bored, quite a bit, listening to Twilight Zone by Golden Earring on youtube.

Trippy video.

Ben and I got this cool little steam roller type pipe, but instead of two holes on either side, one end is a bowl with a cover and a small hole in it so you don't burn as much ganja and you can use it kind of like a carb hole. It's quite durable and clear which is neato.

Waaaaiting for him to caaaall me. Le siiigh. Think I am gonna read till he calls.

Love
Imp

Earthly Proportions

Still jammin' MIA's Paper Planes.

Got the kid, in a bad mood, mother managed to do that. I need more cigarettes. I need some type of mental containment for my thoughts.

Apparently people can only have seven thoughts going on, and if they are distracted and another thought is brought up, one of the seven is replaced by this thought. I hate having my mind. Oi that's a weird thing to say.

love
imp

Paper Planes

So I'm listening to Paper Planes by M.I.A, I believe it's a remix, though, infamous from being in Slumdog Millionaire.

Anywho! Haven't been in this blog for a bit. This is my decided thoughts blog. Chaos Impy is my writing/poetry/ideas for said things blog. I need organization! Right now my baby boy Ben is at work. He works from 5:30 AM to 3 pm. Long hours but good for meh Bebe but good. We are very excited. His children are arriving on June 7th and we will have money to buy things for them and see their sweet smiling faces. I am excited, and also scared, lezbehonest. Anyway, I currently have to go pick up my niece from school.

Back to Ben's kids coming. Two girls, one boy. The oldest is Tammy, 8 yrs, then Mally, about 6 I believe, and Michael, about 5. We already have many plans for when they get here. Ben has told me whenever they are here he spoils and the only person they obey is their father. Hopefully they will listen to me as well.

Anyway, gotta go get my precious niece.
Love
Imp